Some things you should never say to your child.
1.
“Wait till your Father
(Mother) gets home”.
Demand: Your
child just made a demand. You know you are incapable of providing it at the
moment. Instead of telling the child wait till your father (or mother) gets
home”, simply tell the child,” Ok, we will look into it”. This makes the child
appreciate the significance of both parents in the home.
Discipline: this
is discipline that will confuse children by separating
consequences from actions. It ultimately undermines your authority and
credibility as a parent. And making the other parent “bad”. It is never a good
idea. If a child does something wrong; discipline the child there. Note: don’t
let the other spouse discipline the child again after you had. This is worse.
2.
“You are just like your
father (mother).”
Parent’s use this phrase often when a child does
something wrong. Your child may have traces of your spouse but every child is
unique. Don’t compare your child to your spouse. If it’s something worthy of
admiration let the child know he (she) practically earns the commendation.
3.
"Don't talk to
strangers."
This is
tough for a young child to grasp. Even if a person is unfamiliar, she may not
think of him as a stranger if he(she) is nice to them. Kids take this rule to mean
anyone apart from those around them. Studies have shown that 80% of abused
children are victims of those closest to them. Since the vast
majority of child-abduction or abuse cases involve someone a kid already knows,
you might consider telling them: "If anyone makes you feel sad, scared, or
confused, you need to tell me right away. Then believe the child. Instead
of warning them about strangers, bring up scenarios ("What would you do if
a man (woman) you don't know offers you chocolate or a ride home?"), have them
explain what they'd do, then guide them to the proper course of action.
4.
"Practice makes
perfect."
This is a statement of fact, however, this adage
can ramp up the pressure he (she) feels to win or excel. It sends the message
that, ‘if you fail, you didn't train hard enough’. Some kids beat themselves
up, wondering, 'What's wrong with me? I put all my effort, I practised all the
time”. This can kill the child’s will to try again. Instead, encourage your
child to work harder because he (she) will improve and feel proud of his (her) progress.
5. "I Will Never Forgive You"
You think some parents don’t say this? Oh yes,
some do. We sometimes react too quickly when a child does something
unthinkable. Saying something like this could be truly damaging to a
child. When you say this to a child, you damage the child’s will to
forgive himself (herself). This can hunt the child for the rest of their life.
Instead: It's better for the parent to say:
'what you did was hurtful, but we will find a way to leave this behind us and
carry on,’ In the heat of the moment, it's easy to say something rash. Take a
deep breath and wait until you calm down before you speak.
6. "I'm Ashamed of You"
Some parents use this phrase. This makes the
child feel like a disgrace in the family. Some of us still live in the guilt of
what our parents said to us years ago. Instead: Let the child know what he
(she) did is wrong. And reaffirm your love to them despite all odd.
7. “You should be like your brother (sister)”
If you keep using this phrase for your child,
you are building a wall of hatred and division among your children you will
never be able to break down. Children are born with different skills. A child
who does well in academics may do very poorly in sports or music. Instead,
discover your child potentials and encourage them to develop that skill. (I
will take about the 8 intelligences (skill) every child possess and how you can
discover it in my later article)
8. “Leave me alone”.
If you habitually tell your child, “leave me
alone”, “Don't bother me" or "I'm busy," children internalize
the message and feel they have no importance in your life. Instead, set
parameters such as, “When I finish this project, we will go outside …” or get
the child involved in what you are doing. Even if it’s just to sort papers’
Children like that too.
9. “You are so….(dirty, lazy, slow, dull,
foolish, arrogant, loud, fat, thin etc.)”
Negative labels tend to become self-fulfilling
prophecies, so be careful what you tell your children they are, or they may
develop into whatever you say.
10. “You will get pregnant if a man touch-es you” or “you can get her
pregnant if you touch her”.
You know this is not true. Children believe
their parents and teachers. One day your child gets to find out this is not
true. Then, you have completely lost your integrity. Instead educate your child
on sex. Children from 6 years old are getting familiar with their body parts.
Start from that age. (I will talk about ‘educating your child about
sex’ in my later article).
11. "We can't afford that."
It's easy to use this response when your child
begs you for something new and expensive. Doing so sends the message that
you're not in control or your needs are more important than their wants. You
should know that most kids thinks household items (even cooker) are your wants
not theirs. Some kids can ride in their friends’ parent’s car and demand you
buy it too. Children don’t believe there’s anything their parents can’t afford. Instead
convey the same message, such as, "We're not going to buy that now because
we're saving our money for so and so”. Let the child be involved. Make them
know the importance of budget.
12. "Let me help."
When your child is struggling with building
blocks or to finish a puzzle, it's natural to want to help the child. Don't! If
you step in too soon, that can undermine your child's independence because
they'll always be looking to others for answers. Instead, ask
guiding questions to help the child solve the problem: "Do you think the big
piece or the little one should go at the bottom? Why do you think that? Let's
give it a try."
13. ‘Don’t worry, it will be
fine”
Instead of being reassuring, you can appear to
be dismissing the feelings of an anxious child. Instead, say, “I can see you’re
worried. Can you tell me what you’re most worried about, so we can talk about
it?” This makes children open up to you.
14. “You have started again”
When a child is doing something you warned them
about, don’t say, “‘you have started again”. Kids don’t keep wrongs in their
memory like we adults do. Instead find ways to communicate that same thing to
the child in a manner that makes the child know it’s their responsibility to do
it better.
15. ”...because I said so”
This is very common phrase passed on from our
parents. Parents who often use this phrase don’t want their children to
feel they can have a say in anything they (parents) have to do or say. Instead get the child involved. They are not your
puppet.
16. “That’s not how to do it”
If you have asked your child to do a task or
they are trying something new, resist the urge to intervene. Otherwise your
child will be less likely to try things on their own or at your request for
fear of criticism. If you do have to step in, do it as collaboration, not in a
dismissive way
17. “Stop that or I will teach you
a lesson you will never forget”.
Threats, usually the result of parental frustration,
are rarely effective. If a threat is not made in short order, it loses all
effectiveness. And experts say in general, threats of hitting have been found
to lead to more spanking, which itself has been proven to be an ineffective way
to change behaviour, especially in young children.
18. “Be careful”
Saying this while your child is balancing on the
bicycle or trying something that requires balancing actually makes it more
likely the child will fall. "Your words distract them from what they are
doing, so they lose focus. If you're feeling anxious, move close to
spot them in case the child takes a tumble, being as still and quiet as you
can.
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